This weekend retreat just had to take place 😊
On November 13-15th the second basic weekend retreat was held in Sweden. It was led by Sr. Marta (Służebniczka NPNMP), Diana and Thure (a married couple from Sweden), Marek and Viola Barszczewski, Fr Mirek Pilśniak OP, Dorota and Waldek Bednarski.
This weekend and the entirety of the Encounters of Married Couples in Sweden is carried out thanks to the involvement of Sr. Marta. S. Marta, despite adversities, led to the first weekend in June 2019 with great commitment and leads a small group in Helsingborg. Sr. Marta, priest friends and people from a small group (and not only) informed about this retreat in numerous places, various parishes and communities. They won participants for this weekend through personal testimonies, handing out leaflets, sending out invitations and posters. This is why 8 couples signed up for this retreat. Most of them were mixed couples of different nationalities, in which one of the spouses was of Polish, Hungarian, Nigerian, Peruvian or Jamaican origin and one Lithuanian-Estonian couple (and of different faiths: 1 Orthodox person, 2 Pentecostal couples). We had concerns whether participants would understand the introductions spoken by us in Polish and read simultaneously in Swedish. One of the people needed a text translated into English (at the beginning of each meeting we handed out introductions translated into English). The difficulty in conducting the meetings was that texts in Polish had to be spoken word-for-word, as they had to be consistent with the translations that had been prepared a few months earlier.
Preparations for the weekend retreat required a solid, common discussion over the introductions (previously translated into Swedish) in a group of animators at online meetings. During these meetings we also discussed organisational matters and divided tasks. Sr. Marta, who acted as an interpreter during these preparations, was invaluable. Despite those numerous preparations, the retreat would be probably cancelled under normal circumstances. Due to the state of the pandemic Father Mirosław was forbidden to travel abroad and Viola and Marek could not leave Poznań for personal reasons. It was a unique situation but due to the translated introductions it was not possible to invite other animators to lead.
After consulting with the Association’s Managing Board, we decided that Fr. Mirosław, Viola and Marek would participate on-line. It was possible because the centre in Asljuga has a very well-equipped multimedia room with a projector, screen and sound system. The videoconference was held via ZOOM (with a purchased license). The translation of our Polish-spoken introductions was carried out simultaneously using the Intercom application installed on the participants’ phones. Support for ZOOM and Intercom required a good quality Wifi connection and router, which was available in the retreat house. This involved a lot of organisational and technical matters, which we described in a separate document.
The ability to build closeness, especially by Viola, as well as kindness and peace, which were spoken by Fr Mirosław, Viola and Marek, were very important for building a sense of community of on-line animators. Starting from the first meeting, during which they introduced themselves in the same way as the animators in the room. They also participated in all the meetings, they gave signals that they are with us, they are listening, they are engaged in dialogue and are mindful of what is happening in the room.
For us, the animators on site, it was important to have support and the feeling of experiencing this retreat with the on-line animators. Common prayer of the animators (spoken in two languages, in the mother tongue and in English as the second one) as well as meetings of all animators at the end of the day helped us.
The lack of a priest at the retreat was partially compensated by Father Grzegorz Jański, a local parish priest who celebrated a Mass on Friday and Saturday evening (with the Sunday Gospel). He was also ready to confess on Saturday just before the Mass. However, he did not fully replace the ministry that the priest-animator performs during the retreat of the Encounters of Married Couples.
A week before the retreat began it had turned out that no interpreter would come. The interpreter also withdrew from participation due to official recommendations to limit meetings. Sister Marta managed to encourage Małgorzata (catechist from the parish). However, there was no man who could speak the „male” part of the translated texts. This task was undertaken by Thure.
The involvement of Diana and Thure who co-led the retreat for the first time (last year they were participants) is worth mentioning. In those difficult conditions, in addition to conducting their meetings, they also dealt with monitoring the quality of translations (Diana) as well as speaking the „male” translation (Thure). They performed their role solidly at the weekend retreat. They were open, willing, kind and helpful towards the participants and also towards us (due to our language limitations). Our common effort allowed us to carry out the retreat in an efficient and almost uninterrupted manner.
The participants listened very carefully to our introductions and wrote letters in the room with great commitment. When sharing at the closing meeting, some men mentioned the fact that they usually speak in a short and concrete way and that they were not able to listen to wives who talk a lot and long, and during that weekend it was the opposite of the way at home. There in their letters those men wrote long letters and the wives shorter letters. Thanks to the fact that they could read what their wives wanted to convey to them first, they were able to listen to it and understand it. One of them said that then he did not have to arm himself to talk as if to fight.
During short meetings in the corridor or over a meal the participants asked how to name feelings, how to understand their emotions, and at the same time not to „attack” their spouse with them. In the words and on the faces of several of the ladies there was a relief that their high level of emotionality was not unusual and did not necessarily mean that they were „inferior” to husbands who did not.
One of the participating couples made an appointment with us for an individual meeting. We are convinced that this was a result of the testimony we shared during one of the meetings. We experienced that animators on site, in close contact with participants, should raise the most difficult areas of a married life in their testimonies, including the area related to the intimate life.
Several participants from mixed marriages in which the spouses came from different cultures shared that their stay at the weekend retreat allowed them to understand the causes of some of the misunderstandings about it. On the other hand, a married couple with a longer experience said that they alternately experienced pleasant and difficult feelings when they returned to some matters that had not been settled so far. Several couples also mentioned that their feelings made them understand themselves.
Participants also said:
“This retreat has given us more hope that we will be able to live in our marriage as God wants us to. Thanks to the principles of dialogue, we have better understood how our different personalities can be reconciled with each other in dialogue. We saw during the retreat that the daily dialogue between a man and a woman resembles the dialogue that Jesus shows in the Bible, that is an invitation to forgive and to listen without judging ”.
“This weekend spent with other couples has shown us that our marriage problems are not unique. We also realized that we should seriously take up a dialogue full of love „.
At the end of the final meeting we distributed consent forms that were completed by 7 marriages.
Conducting that weekend retreat was a big challenge for us but despite difficulties we felt the prayer support of numerous people and the protection of God’s Providence. We are convinced that our Movement is facing much greater challenges. There is a lack of materials for marital dialogue as well as formation materials for Swedish animators in English (who do not speak Polish and Russian). This is necessary for the Encounters of Married Couples in Sweden to develop into a centre for animators who speak Swedish. Therefore, taking this opportunity, we would like to ask if there are any animators of our movement who could translate texts into English or Swedish.
Dorota and Waldek Bednarski
PS The Swedish government introduced a ban on gatherings of more than 8 people from November 24th. This is further confirmation that the weekend retreat was simply supposed to take place 😊
Fr Mirosław Pilśniak OP:
I participated remotely in the weekend retreat in Sweden. Firstly, I felt a great lack: I didn’t see the participants in person, I couldn’t imagine a retreat house, I felt that my limitations in the contact with the event on site somehow separated me from what was happening on the spot.
I transferred my parts of the introduction from a distance. I missed the contact with the participants, no reaction whatsoever. I couldn’t imagine to what extent what I had to communicate would be of use to the participants. The more that I do not know their religious situation – what seems important to believers living in Sweden.
Throughout the weekend I felt somewhat side by side with what was happening on the spot and my parts of the introduction seemed to be spoken from the outside, as if from a jump. What allowed us to maintain confidence in what we were doing was a solid, common preparation of introductions in a group of animators at meetings before the weekend retreat, thanks to which I knew quite clearly the content of what we wanted to convey to participants. The other strength is the enthusiastic commitment of Dorota and Waldek, and sister Marta, and the activity of Marek and Viola in creating a prayer community around the Swedish weekend retreat.
It was a great surprise to hear the participants at the end of the retreat confirming that the weekend allowed them to conduct a dialogue together and testify to how our introduction helped them. This surprised me a lot, as it was completely incompatible with my sense of being at a distance from what was happening during that weekend.
I can confirm that I am convinced of the value of this Swedish weekend, however, I see the form of introduction – partly live and partly via the Internet – as a last resort not worth recommending. I do not think that this is a prospect of further work of the Meetings but only unusual methods for unusual times. That’s how I see it.
Fr Mirosław Pilśniak OP
Sister Marta:
I would like to share how I experienced my preparation for the weekend retreat spiritually. It was a time of Covid restrictions. As a result, there were quite a few obstacles and I thought I would have to give up organizing the retreat during the last preparations. The only certainty for me was the WISHING to do this retreat, which God placed in my heart with His decision long ago, as soon as I found out that I was to go to Sweden. In a situation of uncertainty and Covid obstacles it was only that wishing that gave me confidence to continue to prepare and do not give up.
I am grateful to the local Fr. Pastor Grzegorz Janski who promised to cover all the costs for the retreat house if the retreat would not take place. It gave me a sense of financial security.
The preparation of that weekend retreat has taught me even greater trust in God and faith that the Encounters of Married Couples in Sweden are simply HIS WORK.
Sr. Marta
Violka and Marek:
As we couldn’t go to Sweden, in this „crisis” situation it was decided to participate online. We really did not want to be „talking heads” during these retreats and limit ourselves to reading our introductions. So, we decided as much as possible to create conditions for a common experience of the retreat. So, we decided not to connect from home. We organized a place in our office, prepared two comfortable armchairs, hot tea / coffee supplies, sandwiches and our sons delivered hot meals to us. This helped us significantly to gain a sense of community with our friends in Sweden and with the participants and of course with Fr. Mirek. What is a very strong point of the Marriage Meetings is the actual atmosphere of the meeting. It is produced by what the animators say and what they share. But not only that, because for this you need a physical presence, an issue, a look, mindfulness, catching participants’ gestures, the ability to react on an ongoing basis. And this also provokes the participants to „go out of themselves” with an attitude of kindness and mindfulness towards others. The real meeting is attended not only by the sender and the recipient, but also by the conditions and atmosphere of the meeting. We missed this atmosphere very much as the leader – because we were far away and alone. We felt the uniqueness of the situation and the need, but we would rather not repeat this „experiment”.
So, we tried to reduce the „distance” that separated us. That is why we took an active part (presence visible on the screen) in all meetings, we directed clear gestures towards the participants – smiles, jokes „on the air”, nods, happy notes, thread of communication with Fr. Mirek, etc. The reports show that we managed to „humanize” the online message a bit.
For us, as for Fr. Mirek, it was important to jointly and thoroughly prepare before the retreat. Not only because we’ve met our needs for security, meaning, and belonging. We were also able to “get used to” the presence of Diana and Thure, whom we didn’t know as the leaders. The presence of Martha and her translation were invaluable, but we would add that her kindness and visible bond with our Swedish new 😊 friends were shared by us. In our opinion, it greatly influenced the atmosphere of closeness, which was created almost immediately. And this further influenced our mutual trust, so necessary in this unique situation. Without this trust and closeness, the retreat might not have such an effect and fruit. The bond visible to the participants, mutual care of the leaders for each other also create an atmosphere of security and trust and stimulate the participants to be more open. It is like „confirmation” of what we are talking about to the participants.
Finally, we can say that great satisfaction, contentment, joy, bond, tenderness, gratitude and mobilization remained after the retreat. However, we want to emphasize that our online participation in the retreat was absolutely exceptional. We would not like to repeat the retreat for married couples in this form. Even if it is supported by the statement „better than nothing”. This weekend had to be like this and it was a spontaneous, quick reaction to the mounting difficulties and obstacles. In our opinion, depriving the Meetings of one of the greatest advantages may make them similar to the more and more popular online conferences with testimony, proclaimed by married couples. And that’s not what it’s all about.
Violka and Marek